HnP Will Be Frenching in Montreal

22 06 2007

This sensationalist headline of attempted journalist trickery refers to an earlier Phirm post about tongue-kissing, however, I have cleverly used it as a pun in which to inform you, the blog viewer, that we have been asked to perform at the 2007 Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, North America, Earth. We won’t be making out and we don’t actually speak French, so that’s where the pun really falls apart. In any case, we are as thrilled as tickled babies. The complete show info is here.

We haven’t had much time for comedy blogging and such, as we have been feverishly working on our upcoming Super Deluxe video shoot. We’ve been in a professional recording studio all day and will be for the next two days laying down the music tracks. It has been much fun and several times I could feel my testicles recede sightly into my lower abdomen. Our thanks go out to our good friends Stonehoney who have agreed to help us “hick it up” a bit.

And finally, we may have some super-kick-ass show announcements for July and August, so please kill a minute of your day by checking in with us in the coming week. As always, you’re nice!





Watch “Flight of the Conchords” tonight on HBO!

17 06 2007


Our good friends, The Flight of the Conchords, have a television show that is premiering on HBO tonight at 10:30. You should watch it. We first met Jemaine and Bret when we were all prospectors on the Klondike in the late nineteenth century. You’ll notice in the above photograph that Todd Barry has not changed his style in roughly one hundred and twenty years. The second time we met was at Bumbershoot in Seattle in 2004 and have had the pleasure of performing and hanging out with them many times since then. My favorite was an HnP/FotC combined-effort rendition of “Don’t Dream It’s Over,” by their New Zealand countrymen Crowded House at the UCB in LA one night. They are good guys and kick-assedly funny to boot. We here at Hard ‘N Phirm Industries give them a much-deserved “congratulations” and implore you to support this kind of quality programming so that good comedy may usurp the television landscape from the Mencias of the world.





More Haps @ The Punch Line This Weekend

15 06 2007

Welp, the last three nights have been incredible at Ye Olde Punche Line Comedy Clubbe. I had an amazing time and still feel all giggly and girly that I had the privilege of performing on these shows. Chappelle was masterful, not to mention just a nice dude. He is, in my opinion, what a stand-up should be—someone who loves performing and does it for the art of stand-up itself. That truly comes across when you’re watching him. If you EVER have the opportunity to see Dave Chappelle live and don’t take it, then you hate comedy.

Tonight and tomorrow night, Morgan Murphy, Joe Klocek and I will be performing half-hour sets hosted by the super-funny Joel McHale, host of The Soup on E!. I’ve known Joel for four or five years and he’s the mutt’s nuts (that’s good). We used to do shows together at O’Brien’s Pub in Santa Monica and every time I’d see him go up I’d ask him why he didn’t do more stand-up. Now he is and things are working out just fine for him. I love it when nice, funny people succeed. That’s how it should be!

Shows are Friday and Saturday @ 8 & 10. Click here for more info.





Melodiconned

14 06 2007

So! (OR)





Hardwick in San Francisco with Dave Chappelle tonight!

13 06 2007

Rarely do I promote my solo stand-up but this seems like a good time to do so. I’m doing two shows tonight at the Punch Line in San Francisco with Dave Chappelle. The website won’t tell you that’s what’s happening but it is a harbor of lies. We did two shows last night and they were spectacular. Dave did 2:45 the second show and could’ve kept going. I don’t know how a person can do comedy that long with ZERO lags in the show, but he can and did. Also, the Punch Line only holds around 200 so it’s a nice, intimate setting. Tickets should be available at Ticket Master at around noon or one PST. It’ll be pricey, but I guarantee it’s worth it.

P.S.—Let’s keep this quiet around Phirm. I told him I had to go to Melodicon, the international melodica convention in Smelterville, Oregon. Please do not tell him that there is no Melodicon or Smelterville, Oregon.





Comedy Central Presents: Hard ‘N Phirm!

12 06 2007

We just found out that Comedy Central is going to give us our own half-hour comedy special to be taped in New York in late August. We are sincerely honored and excited by this refreshing blob of news. Thanks, CC! Also, thanks go out from our mouths to Anthony King and the UCB Theater in New York for letting us do our “skits” for the Comedy Central folks in NY as well as Scott Aukerman and the UCB-LA for the same at Comedy Death-Ray. AND obscene amounts of thanks go out to the folks who came out and watched us do many of the same bits multiple times to whittle the set into a respectable form more friendly for the TeeVee. Now you can handle anything!

We will release information as the date approaches regarding tickets for any HnP fans that may wish to attend the aforementioned proceedings. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!





Mouth-watering Meat

4 06 2007

I was in a Mexican restaurant a few days ago and, feeling adventurous, I ordered a tongue burrito. I guess I must have insulted the waiter, because just before he brought it over to the table, he opened it up and spat in it. I was confused. I guess it’s an insult to (all together now) ask for extra sauce.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ACTUAL EVENTS OR PERSONS LIVING OR DEAD IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL





‘Get Luckie’ Pix

3 06 2007

These photos were taken by our new friend Brian Putnam at 3 of Clubs in Hollywood on Thursday. The show was a blast and the club offered us a residency for a couple of months…more details on that later. Also playing that night was a delightful band called The Brendan Hines.

Originally uploaded by BrianPixs.





The Kissing Tips

2 06 2007

Evening, young & vital reader. It’s Saturday night and you’re probably thinking about frenching someone later. Well, before you do, here are some…

KISSING TIPS I LEARNED IN THE LATE 1980s

  • While frenching, be sure to breathe through your nose. If you breathe the same breath back and forth, someone’s going to pass out.
  • As your frenching heats up, run your hands through each other’s hair. Note: never through your own hair, as this looks ridiculous.
  • Though it’s tempting, it is extremely unsafe to french while sitting on the freeway during rush hour, unless you’re in a car.
  • It’s important to brush your teeth before you french (unless you’re actually French). (Come on!)
  • The last word spoken before you actually start frenching should never be the word “rupture”.
  • If you need to open your eyes while frenching, prepare to be traumatized.
  • For the girls: make your frenching a treasure hunt by hiding a coin or washer behind your tonsils.
  • And finally, for the guys: If she makes even the slightest sound of pleasure, DO NOT STOP frenching for at least THREE MINUTES, even if you have to sneeze.

Now go out there and clean someone’s teeth.  HnP says, “You’re ready!”





The Power of Christ Compels You.

1 06 2007

Feel the Power
We took this photo last year while doing a show in Quincy, Illinois, site of the infamous sixth Lincoln/Douglas Debate in 1858. That’s right! The SIXTH debate! Your favorite! This little power hub not only must supply its neighbor with unlimited electricity to do as He commandeth, but a possible subsequent tumorous growth in the shape of the Blessed Mother on some lucky churchgoer could be a boon for the Quincy Bureau of Tourism.








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