Hello reader. I have something I want to share with you, and it is Lactaid. Not my actual Lactaid, but the idea of Lactaid.
“But, writer,” reads reader, “I’m not lactose intolerant. What do I care about Lactaid?”
Right. What do you care about Lactaid. How about this: Lactaid is not just milk that has no lactose, it’s milk that has NOWHERE TO BE. Check its expiration date—it stays good for months without all that lactose crapping it up.
Think about it: have you ever seen good, healthy lactose on its own? No, you haven’t. Why? Because no one has. It goes bad before the light reaches your eye.
And now a scene from your refrigerator.
REGULAR MILK: This sucks. I’m outa here.
YOU: But you just got here!
REGULAR MILK: Get bent!
…and… a scene from my refrigerator.
ME: Lactaid?! What are YOU still doing here? You must be a deadly poison by now!
LACTAID: Poison?! Ha! I’m still as fresh as a slap on the ass. Say, you don’t mind if I just hang out here for a while, do you?
ME: Mind?! Are you kidding? I’m going to go write about you!
My friend, the troubles depicted in Got Milk? ads are no longer relevant. There is milk insurance, and it is called Lactaid.