El Rey!

6 12 2007


Last night’s El Rey show with Ask A Ninja and Patton Oswalt was FANTASTIC. The theater was jammed, the audience was worked into a foamy froth and we had an absolute blast. Thanks so much to Kent and the Ninja for putting on such a stellar event. The Ninja was on fire, Patton was his usual gale-force of comedy and Olivia Munn, my new co-worker at G4, was a kick-ass hostess. Another blob of appreciation goes out to our pal Dragon Boy Suede, who showed up to rap his part during "Pi." The makeshift nerd-thrill meter I hastily constructed out of a Gaussmeter and an old calculator registered an "E" on the LCD from sheer overload. If you were there, thank you! You brought it!

Dear Dairy

1 12 2007

Hello reader. I have something I want to share with you, and it is Lactaid. Not my actual Lactaid, but the idea of Lactaid.

“But, writer,” reads reader, “I’m not lactose intolerant. What do I care about Lactaid?”

Right. What do you care about Lactaid. How about this: Lactaid is not just milk that has no lactose, it’s milk that has NOWHERE TO BE. Check its expiration dateā€”it stays good for months without all that lactose crapping it up.

Think about it: have you ever seen good, healthy lactose on its own? No, you haven’t. Why? Because no one has. It goes bad before the light reaches your eye.

And now a scene from your refrigerator.

REGULAR MILK: This sucks. I’m outa here.
YOU: But you just got here!
YOU: Well!

…and… a scene from my refrigerator.

ME: Lactaid?! What are YOU still doing here? You must be a deadly poison by now!
LACTAID: Poison?! Ha! I’m still as fresh as a slap on the ass. Say, you don’t mind if I just hang out here for a while, do you?
ME: Mind?! Are you kidding? I’m going to go write about you!

My friend, the troubles depicted in Got Milk? ads are no longer relevant. There is milk insurance, and it is called Lactaid.