Dear Dairy

1 12 2007

Hello reader. I have something I want to share with you, and it is Lactaid. Not my actual Lactaid, but the idea of Lactaid.

“But, writer,” reads reader, “I’m not lactose intolerant. What do I care about Lactaid?”

Right. What do you care about Lactaid. How about this: Lactaid is not just milk that has no lactose, it’s milk that has NOWHERE TO BE. Check its expiration date—it stays good for months without all that lactose crapping it up.

Think about it: have you ever seen good, healthy lactose on its own? No, you haven’t. Why? Because no one has. It goes bad before the light reaches your eye.

And now a scene from your refrigerator.

REGULAR MILK: This sucks. I’m outa here.
YOU: But you just got here!
YOU: Well!

…and… a scene from my refrigerator.

ME: Lactaid?! What are YOU still doing here? You must be a deadly poison by now!
LACTAID: Poison?! Ha! I’m still as fresh as a slap on the ass. Say, you don’t mind if I just hang out here for a while, do you?
ME: Mind?! Are you kidding? I’m going to go write about you!

My friend, the troubles depicted in Got Milk? ads are no longer relevant. There is milk insurance, and it is called Lactaid.




5 responses

2 12 2007
Mr Jones

Presumably Mr Hardwick can clarify “What’s Inside”

6 12 2007

Actually, living in a household that goes through about five gallons of milk a week (not only are we a house of cereal eaters but I drink the stuff like it’s water), the conversation in our refrigerator sounds more like this:

MILK: This sucks. I’m outa here.
ME: You’re kidding, right? Dude, I drank you, like, three days ago.
ME: And you were delicious.

8 12 2007

So if Lactaid is milk insurance, does that mean there is going to be a commercial soon with someone complaining that their milk has gone bad, while a thing of Lactaid runs around screaming “LACTAID!”

5 01 2009

Yay for lactaid and i love milk and stuff like it

26 03 2009

I tried it. It doesn’t work! 😦

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