Blog Blog Bloggin on… Comedy Central

27 11 2007

Hey, did we mention that we’ve been writing entries for Comedy Central’s blog: the CC Insider?  We’ve done three (of four) already; the fourth will be later this week.  Click here to read them all, or, to make it more of a process (and thereby possibly more rewarding), go to and click the tag on the right that says “Hard ‘N Phirm”.

Note:  domain name “” still available.


Brought to You by You™

21 11 2007

People are always asking me: “Mike, years from now, do you think advertisers will engineer a gene that’ll make people involuntarily pick up writing utensils at random and draw, for example, perfect renderings of the Burger King logo?”

I say, No. That’s ridiculous. The way it will happen is this: advertisers will alter the gene that’s responsible for Tourette’s Syndrome so that people uncontrollably shout out product names at random. For example, “No, Carol, that’s not what I mean. I do want to be with you, it’s just that I– CRISPITY! CRUNCHETY! F*CKIN… PEANUT-BUTTERY MOTHER-F*CKIN BUTTERFINGER!!” *

* Note: this is not Tourette’s swearing slipping through—this will be Butterfinger’s actual slogan.


14 11 2007

Hi there, reader. Hope you feel like reading about popular photography, because that’s what I’m writing.

It occurred to me, as someone was taking a picture at a party, how, at some point, it became normal to smile for pictures. In the earliest days of photography, nobody smiled. This was for one of three reasons:

  1. They’d never seen a camera and didn’t know what was a-goin’ on
  2. They were suffering from chronic “dignity”
  3. Life was horrible and they had either just witnessed a murder or were being stopped on their way to a murder

Same with paintings: I’ve seen very few historic portraits that feature full-toothed smiles, and those that do are titled something like “Bacchus’ Triumph” or “The Idiot”. Until recently, it just wasn’t cool to be immortalized as looking happier than cool.

Then I got to thinking about how technology is affecting our sense of identity, which led me to writing: Read the rest of this entry »

The Kissing Tips

2 06 2007

Evening, young & vital reader. It’s Saturday night and you’re probably thinking about frenching someone later. Well, before you do, here are some…


  • While frenching, be sure to breathe through your nose. If you breathe the same breath back and forth, someone’s going to pass out.
  • As your frenching heats up, run your hands through each other’s hair. Note: never through your own hair, as this looks ridiculous.
  • Though it’s tempting, it is extremely unsafe to french while sitting on the freeway during rush hour, unless you’re in a car.
  • It’s important to brush your teeth before you french (unless you’re actually French). (Come on!)
  • The last word spoken before you actually start frenching should never be the word “rupture”.
  • If you need to open your eyes while frenching, prepare to be traumatized.
  • For the girls: make your frenching a treasure hunt by hiding a coin or washer behind your tonsils.
  • And finally, for the guys: If she makes even the slightest sound of pleasure, DO NOT STOP frenching for at least THREE MINUTES, even if you have to sneeze.

Now go out there and clean someone’s teeth.  HnP says, “You’re ready!”

Welcome, Friend.

7 05 2007

Hi, this is a post. It was written by us. This is our new site. You probably never went to the old one because you fear boredom. This shiny new interface will massage your brain’s need for data and input. It may not be data and input that you necessarily need, but that is the defining characteristic of the internet itself. So just relax, sit back, and let us occupy your precious thought-space with our crap, edging out constructive information like chores and rules while wasting valuable inventing minutes. Excelsior!